Talking to Arek....

Stub is me and Arek is the blank

Saturday, December 19, 2009
Stub (9:21 PM): hi there. how goes it with Bunky?
(9:22 PM): Good, gong to send him a gift tommorow that I hope he'll like
Stub (9:22 PM): what is it?
(9:24 PM): Bag of dark chocolate and a gift card to little caesers in a hand sewn mitten
Stub (9:25 PM): fun! thats nice of you...
(9:27 PM): I just wish I could have gotten him more or something better
Stub (9:30 PM): that's something that he'll love. he loves you so he's going to love the gift.
(9:31 PM): Ok, that's good
Stub (9:32 PM): :) yeah. don't ever worrie about it
(9:35 PM): Ok, well I'm happy he'll like, I also put two Christmas cards in the box, one for his parents to see the other just for him
Stub (9:36 PM): for his parents? what does it say?
(9:39 PM): It's a Regular Christmas card That I wrote merry Christmas in and sighned
Stub (9:39 PM): oh, nice...
(9:40 PM): The other is a love Christmas card that I wrote a love note at the bottum and sighned
Stub (9:41 PM): :) that's sweet
(9:42 PM): Yeah, I had to send it because it was perfect
Stub (9:43 PM): :) that's awesome... it's nice to be wanted....
(9:46 PM): Yeah, bettr though when together, I wish he and I could be together this holiday season, want to snuggle up with him and be close to him so much
Stub (9:47 PM): tell me about it...
(9:49 PM): Sure he and I can text each other but I want to be with him, I want him to hold me and comfort me when I feel bad, I want to hug and kiss him so much
Stub (9:50 PM): :) at least you have someone to love....
(9:52 PM): Still, I feel so alone without him, so cold and hollow, the warm happiness I get when we talk and chat lasts only until we stop
Stub (9:53 PM): I know the feeling.....
(9:56 PM): A soul crushing feeling of lonliness that never seems to leave? Surrounded by people but feeling like no one is around you? Feeling you can't trust anyone?
Stub (9:57 PM): Where all you can do is sit in the corner and cry? When all the problems you have is that he's not yours in your arms? That you're alone?
(10:00 PM): Wanting to feel warmth but only cold? Love but only pain? Only seeing things in masks of false care and concern? Wanting to die as a child from a constant pain?
Stub (10:01 PM): But wanting to live? the only thing you can do is hide? When you think they could love you too... but they don't... leaving you alone...
Stub (10:02 PM): in the dark to cry yourself to sleep......
(10:06 PM): Only companion a blade? Only constant feeling of pain and hopelessness? Dead on the inside? Wondering why your existence continues?
Stub (10:07 PM): The time that you have you spend listening to the saddest music you can find? Can't appear happy even tho your da best liar ever?
(10:10 PM): hmm a mask develops to keep others away from the true feelings deep inside, learned to hide them so no one trys to get in to hurt you again
(10:17 PM): Hmm we feel the same apparently though our situations and histories are different
Stub (10:18 PM): yes, but all the same at the same time...
(10:20 PM): Yeah, you've had bad relationships too, mine ended when they left when I wouldn't l wouldn't have sex with them, some ended in me being raped
(10:21 PM): The ones were I didn't get raped the guys would act like we never knew each other
Stub (10:22 PM): wow....
(10:24 PM): All acted like they really cared and loved me, but in the end it came down to the same thing, sex, they didn't get it then they left or raped
Stub (10:27 PM): yeah.... sad... i'm sorry
(10:29 PM): If you're ok with talking about it, how did yours end?
Stub (10:30 PM): is still goin on.... and will never end. I'll be that cat lady that dies alone.... without the cats....
(10:32 PM): ? Is he a jerk or... Sorry I'm kind of confused
Stub (10:35 PM): no, he's the most amazing guy in the world, he's got the most amazing eyes... and Idk... it's long....
(10:37 PM): .. Now I'm really comfused, is he your bf or crush or? Sorry I'm kind of dense sometimes
Stub (10:39 PM): never really dated him.. I have fallen in love with him tho... he's the closest friend I've ever had...
(10:40 PM): Ok
Stub (10:41 PM): yeah. it's weird. :/... but yeah... his name Jacob...
(10:42 PM): Cool
Stub (10:43 PM): yeah... you get all quiet now... r u ok?
(10:46 PM): Yeah, I'm not sure how to explain why I did, sorry
Stub (10:47 PM): to the best of your ability. tell me...
(10:49 PM): Ii think it might be because I close up a bit and try not to let my real thoughts or emotions come out
Stub (10:50 PM): I'm the same... but Pudge trusts you, so I do too.
(10:52 PM): Ok, hmm I think it might also be that I don't know much about you so I'm unsure about what to say or talk about
Stub (10:53 PM): yeah... not so much the other way around. lol
(10:56 PM): hmm, one problem I have is i'm too talkative about stuff others don't care about or i'm not talkative enough
Stub (10:57 PM): oh. lol.
(10:58 PM): It's kind of annoying
Stub (10:58 PM): i know...
(11:03 PM): One thing i'm afraid is when Pudge and I are together I'll either bore him or not be able to entertain him enough
Stub (11:05 PM): you have no idea do you?
(11:06 PM): About what?
Stub (11:07 PM): you're the only one in his mind... he LOVES YOU and btw, can I take him to snowball? i have nobody to go w/ and he's my bff so... i wanted 2
Stub (11:07 PM): ask you first
(11:08 PM): Snowball? I guess that would be ok
Stub (11:08 PM): if it isn't it's ok...
Stub (11:09 PM): it's not like i'm dateless. There is a guy who like, is in love with me... but idk if i should go w/ him or someone i trust
(11:10 PM): It's ok, I was just saying if he's ok with it it would be ok with me, just depends on him
Stub (11:11 PM): idk... i don't wana get Q's asked tho...
(11:12 PM): Ok well if you want to i'm ok with it, if not, ok
Stub (11:13 PM): kk
(11:14 PM): Hmm, just curious but has he shown you a picture of me?
Stub (11:14 PM): i think... e-mail me one.... ************

Stub (11:15 PM): lol i know... gay but w/e
(11:16 PM): I don't have a pic of me on this cell, it doesn't have a camera
Stub (11:17 PM): :(
(11:18 PM): Sorry
Stub (11:19 PM): it's 12:20 am and Mom and Dad r still gone
(11:19 PM): Hmm cool
Stub (11:20 PM): no... i'm tired and have to watch the brat
(11:21 PM): Oh, sorry
Stub (11:22 PM): it's ok. i think they're bak
(11:23 PM): Ok
Stub (11:23 PM): :) it's asleep
(11:24 PM): Ok
Stub (11:26 PM): I'll ttyl. get some sleep.